Sometimes I find myself in situations that I'm sure just don't happen to other people.
This afternoon, around 2 o'clock or so, I propose to you that a package of sugar cookie dough caused me to crawl through my house without a single stitch of clothing.
It's strange. I know.
But it's true.
This is how it went down...
I bought a package of ready-made cookie dough to have on hand for the open house we have scheduled on Sunday. I've always heard that you should bake cookies or something good-smelling to entice buyers.
"If you live here, your house will always be clean and smell of freshly baked cookies. Why, yes, thank you for asking, we do always have fresh flowers on the dining room table. And of course our toilet paper is always folded into an attractive V-shape. What? Did you take us for animals?"
So I bought the cookies and then thought a second about my love of raw cookie dough.
Did I have the moral stamina to keep away from it until Sunday? And then to actually bake those tasty little squares thereby sucking all the goodness out of them?
Then I saw the coupon for a dollar off of two packages and considered it a sign that I should buy two. One for me and one for them*.
*Them being the people we hope actually show up to our house on Sunday.
That brings me to today. After 20 hours of knowing that dough was in there and leaving it alone, I succumbed to the temptation. I opened the package and ate one square.
It was yummy.
And then I decided I should take my shower for the day.
Yes, at 2pm.
So I disrobed and started the water.
Then my mouth screamed to me "I need one more!"
Not being one to deny my mouth what it needs, I headed to the fridge.
And not being one to waste time putting on a robe, I was nekked.
Yes, I know I spelled that wrong, but it's funnier that way.
And as I'm standing there with the fridge door open and grabbing my second square, I hear a knock at the door.
Allow me to show you why this is a problem:
The arrow all the way to the right shows you where I was standing.
The arrow in the middle shows you the window that the person knocking on my door may or may not have seen me through as they were walking up to the door.
The arrow all the way to the left shows you the front door where the knocker was standing. The front door with the window.
*Cue regret at not throwing on my robe.
To get to my bedroom and therefore, clothes, would require me to walk right past the front door. Obviously not an option.
So instead I dropped to the ground and crawled out of the kitchen and into the hallway between the kids rooms.
And I stayed there until the knocker left.
And while I was there I cursed my mouth for wanting one more square. And I cursed my robe for not putting itself on me. And I cursed that coupon that convinced me to buy that second package to begin with.
Notice that I accept no personal blame.
Then Alex opened the door to her room and found her mother crouching naked in the hallway.
I'm pretty sure she now thinks that's what I do while she's in quiet time.
So there you have it.
I found out later that my borrowed pack-n-play was waiting outside the door for me.
So I should probably apologized to my friend Erin now.
I'm especially sorry if while you were knocking, you saw my knockers.
And I'm sorry that I just referred to my breasts as knockers.
Next time I will get my robe.