There's nothing to be scared of here.

1) I'm falling behind in blogging all of the important things in my life, things like the status of my plastic bag cupboard and R-rated salt shakers. Because of this, I am returning to my favorite way of posting: The List

2) Remember when I asked you guys to guess what this picture was?

Well you're all terrible bloggy friends because only one person even cared to take a guess.
I suppose that's payback for when I made you all study this intently, only to later divulge that you were staring at the junk of a lion.

So now we're even.

But Jen McDaniel took a guess, and I was quite impressed with her acumen. She guessed it was a naked mermaid salt shaker for Pat the Bunny.
Oh Jen, you know me so well.

While technically not a mermaid, you were very, very close! And kudos to you for remembering that PtB has a tacky salt and pepper shaker collection! You are a loyal blog-reader Jen, and as promised, you may now buy my house in Idaho.

Warning--  the following picture contains ceramic breasts.

I didn't buy it.
My children visit PtB's home.
And if I ever found my pubertal son secretly staring at this salt shaker, it would haunt me forever.

3) On that same blog post, my friend Sally commented that she actually knows what poo oil is!
I shall pass along her knowledge:

I'm kind of ashamed that I actually know what Poo Oil is... and its only because a dear friend in Florida owned a hoity-toity boutique (you know, the kind only rich Florida grandmas can afford to shop in) and they sold Poo Oil... what it is, is oil you put inside your toilet bowl and then when you, er, poo... and flush (this would be difficult for some boys in my family to remember to do, unfortunately) the scent of the oil (hopefully) releases and covers up the smell of said poo.

There,

You are welcome.

Thank you Sally! I will sleep better tonight now that I know that.

4) Last weekend we went to Virginia. Our friend Nicole lives there and we stayed a night at her place, then spent a night at the Great Wolf Lodge.

5) Nicole is everything I am not. She is motivated, organized, clean, hospitable, and a natural caregiver. Even back in our college days, she was always the one taking care of everyone else, the one to take care of the details, and generally just the kind of person you want as a friend.

So naturally I repaid her by making her the butt of my practical jokes.

I'm not sure why she put(s) up with me.

But she does! Yea!

6) Nicole had cookie dough all pre-made and ready for the kids to cut  into shapes and decorate for Valentine's day.

7) She also has a petting zoo, so the children were happy as clams.

(We planned to attempt to keep Derek from touching the cats, but it turns out that since he is so loud and clumsy, he scared them off on his own.)

8) Great Wolf Lodge: do you know this place? They have several locations around the country. It's a hotel chain w/ an indoor waterpark.

9) Do you ever take your kids somewhere and think about how much fun they're going to have, and then while you're there remember that kids can suck the fun out of any outing?

The water's cold!

That slide is scary!

I don't like the waves!

Somebody splashed me!

Thankfully, it just took a little time for them to get over their issues and a good time was had by all.

10) In the lobby, they have a bedtime story & show.

The trees come to life and there is some cheesy singing and animatronics about life in the forest.  It is totally fitting that the main chorus was : "There's nothing to be scared of here"

Because my dear son was terrified of the talking trees.
He spent the entire show with his head buried in his daddy's lap.

Later we realized that he was anticipating a "show" like the ones he watches on TV. He thought he was going to watch a movie. So he was patiently waiting, with his head buried, for the tree to stop singing so he could watch a "show."

When we all got up to leave after the singing stopped, he had a total meltdown about not getting to see the "show" that didn't exist.

Good times.

11) While a weekend away is fun, I'm glad we are following it up with a low-key weekend at home. The weather is beautiful and we have no agenda.
It's lovely.

12) I gotta go.

Something's Missing

Let's get it over with already.

Here she blows-- the last installment of CruiseReview 2011.
It's been real.
It's been fun.

It's been real fun.

Our last full day on the cruise began like all of the others-- with lots of bacon.

This was the day scheduled to visit Great Stirrup Cay, which is Norwegian Cruise Line's private island in the Bahamas. They are still building the area up, and as of now there is no dock for the ships so we were tendered to the beach.

Here is a picture of the Norwegian Sky from our tender boat.

It was such a beautiful day!
The color of the water was incredible-- so clear and light blue.

There was a lunch buffet, snorkeling, and hammock-lounging on our to-do list.

Check, check, and check.


 When we weren't doing those things, we could be found right here:

 

I was going to post this picture of me standing in the water, but decided I just can't put a full-body swimsuit photo on the interweb. It's just too much. 

Too exposing. 

So I drew in a lovely, modest, blue skirt with pink polka dots. And since I was being creative, I drew in a nice little drink with an umbrella as well. 

During all that lounging, a real friend might have reminded her light-skinned friend to reapply her sunscreen. 

I suppose I am a fake friend:

Sorry Heather!

The hardest part of the day was trying to figure out when to go to dinner so as not to interfere with the 2-for-1 martini bar happy hour.
It's all about priorities people.

And when they have things like Godiva Truffletini's on the menu, that's where your priority has to lie.

We did manage to sneak in one last dinner in the dining room.

Then we hightailed it to the Plantation Club, because we are cheap and could not possibly pay full price for a drink that would only be half price from 6-8pm.

This one was called Stormy Night.

It was good.
And right purty, too.

What is it about martinis that make you think taking pictures in the bathroom is a good idea?

Then I made my nightly trip to the made-to-order crepe station.

Smear the chocolate, and enjoy. Only don't let your friend take a picture. It wont be attractive.

Much fun was had, and the only sad news is that we had to get off the ship the next day.
I took up residence in the Miami airport for about 6 hours, waiting for my flight (while my "friend" took an early flight home and left me alone) and then I was back home to snuggle on my babies!
Who may have had to endure some snuggles in their sleep.

It was such a nice getaway and I have the bestest husband ever who did a great job at home.
The house was just as clean as I had left it (which may or may not be saying very much), and the kids were clean, too!
He successfully navigated dance class, birthday party, PTA meeting, and even ate lunch with Alex at school on both school days.
Frankly he made me look bad. 

Which makes me think I should start planning my next getaway! :)
Right, honey?

Poo Oil

Sorry for the delay, folks. I tried to post on Friday night, but decided I would rather go to sleep. Not that my faithful reader(s) aren't worth me staying up!
But I was sleepy, you see.

Then we went out of town for the weekend, which will require it's own post. Maybe I'll get to it some time in the spring.

 But first-- back to CruiseReview 2011!
Don't worry, it was a short cruise and we're almost done. Plus the longer it takes me to blog about it, the less I remember.

Our first full day on the ship found us docked at Nassau, Bahamas.
We got a late start, because we splurged for only the most inexpensive stateroom, known as the interior stateroom.
Benefits of said room:
1) Cheapness
2) No window = easy to sleep in

We woke up eventually, and started our day with a food that I could eat all day, every day:
Bacon.

(Sorry about the sideways picture. I'm too lazy to go fix it. Besides, I'm sure you all know what bacon looks like. Unless you're a vegetarian. And to you I say: You aren't really living until you've had bacon.)

I had a made-to-order omelet as a side dish to my bacon.

Ode to Bacon

Strips of lard

You taste so good

I'd eat you daily

If I could

Now where was I?

Oh yes, breakfast. 

This was our view while we ate.

Not too shabby, eh?

When we finished bacon-fest, we made our way off the ship.

 I realize that I look kind of odd in this picture. It was windy and I was precaiously perched above water. Which is my excuse for why I am standing with my legs apart while wearing a skirt. With flip-flops.

Leave me alone people, I had no one to impress in Nassau.

Besides, it's my signature pose.

 We then meandered through the marketplace. 

I was trying to find a few trinkets for the kids, but I couldn't get Heather out of this shop:

Just kidding. 

She didn't shop there. 

And we have no idea what poo oils are. 

I even googled it and still don't know. And I can't recommend googling it either. There are some weird websites out there.

I can't explain this picture, except that I can't pass a cut-out without sticking my head in it.

When we got off the ship, we saw a big bridge that went over to the famous Atlantis hotel.
We thought we would walk that direction to take a look around the hotel.

 By the time we got to the middle of the bridge, we came to the realization that it was much, much farther that we originally estimated.

Here is Heather holding our cruise ship in her hand from the top of the bridge.

And here is where we were headed.

We did eventually arrive at the hotel-- sweaty and out of sorts.
Did I mention we were wearing flip flops?

We decided a stop for a drink was just what we needed to feel refreshed.

And then we took a cab back to the port.

Here is a little treasure I almost bought while we were shopping-- any guesses as to what it is exactly?

I have a better picture that I will show you after you guess.
To the winner goes the rights to buy a lovely house in Idaho!
You're welcome!

Our feet and legs were hurting so badly by the time we got back on the ship that we headed right up to the hot tub for a nice long soak. By "headed right up" I mean just as soon as we had grabbed a couple of mojitos.

What? I heard they're good for sore muscles.

Heather tossed her straw aside and then looked like she was drinking a salad by the time she finished hers.
It was funny.

Heather!

We met an interesting crowd in the hot tub-- some guy from Columbia who spoke zero English, a family who ended up on the cruise last-minute when flights to their original South American destination were canceled, and finally a social worker from Miami and her cousin-- a stripper.

We fit right in.

 The next morning we woke up and hobbled off to what ended up being my favorite day on the cruise-- post coming up soon sometime!
But I can assure you that my legs and feet hurt so bad that if you told me that rubbing poo oil on them would help, I would have done it.

Snaggle-Tooth, Grrrrrrr, & Flip-Flops

Sometimes I shake my head at my own inability to formulate post titles.
Then I move on.

Before I dive back into CruiseReview 2011, I have to share some pressing news.

The tooth.

The tooth is not long for this world.

My girl is growing up.
Part of me loves it-- loves seeing who she's becoming and watching her become more independent.
She has grown and matured so much in the last year.
But she's really just a baby, and should not be getting big-girl teeth.

My input was apparently not requested in the matter.

Nor was it requested when our renter e-mailed us to say that he would like to move out of the house in April, which brings me to my: Grrrrrrrr.

I really, really, really, really do not like being long-distance landlords.
So friends.
Let's try this all again: Pray for me, my sanity, and that our house would be rented or sold.
Because you obviously didn't pray hard enough last time, and I consider all of you to be spiritual failures.

Except I'm joking about that.

And now we can continue with our regularly scheduled programming:

But wait! The school bus is almost here.
So I'll have to postpone our regularly schedule programming in favor of attempting to wiggle a tooth out and snuggle with my baby girl.
Because at the rate she's growing, tomorrow she'll need a prom dress.

I guess I never got to the flip-flops, huh?

Bad Girlz of the Norwegian Sky

I'm back.

Did you know I was gone?

I was.

I spent a glorious long weekend at sea, cruising the Bahamas.
Josh is now officially husband of the year for sending me off on the trip while he kept the home fires burning.
I would have rushed right to my computer when I got home last night to tell you all about it, but I needed to spend some time appreciating my wonderful husband.

And I was appreciative.
Very appreciative.

*wink, wink*

(Taylor, my dad just read that.)

And now I shall make all of you who were in the cold wintry weather relive the cruise with me!

I'm sorry, but I must do it.
Inquiring minds want to know, and I cannot hold back any detail, no matter how minute or uninteresting.

For your sanity, and because I have a short attention span, CruiseReview 2011 will take place in installments.

In this episode: We get out-tipped by a kid on a missions trip, establish ourselves as the Bad Girlz of the Norwegian Sky, and get kicked out of the teen zone.
Exciting, no?

Let's Begin!

Despite my fears that all of the bad weather across the country would interfere with our flights, my friend Heather and I met at the Miami airport just as scheduled.

This is Heather:

And so is this:

There are definite perks to being the one who brings the camera on the trip.
*evil cackle*


We met many moons ago when we were all stationed together in Texas. Our first ever cruise was with Heather & Scott. We didn't have children yet (read: we napped a lot), and we convinced them to leave their sweet baby behind and cruise the Caribbean with us.

Fast forward 8 years, and here we are (looking just a touch older and with more chins) waiting for our complementary shuttle to our hotel.

Note to self: Whatever motion I used to pull my head back in this photo must never, NEVER, be repeated again. I seriously have 5 chins in this picture.
FIVE CHINS.
And this was taken before the food-laden cruise.

We called from the courtesy phone in the airport, as instructed. They told us to meet them outside and they would be about 20 minutes.
We took the chiny-chin-chin (plus 2 additional chins) picture after waiting about 10 minutes. 
30 minutes later we called the hotel again.
They told us to wait outside and they would be there in 20 minutes.
This wasn't going well.

We finally got picked up by the shuttle.
It was just us and one other guy, probably college-age, who walked up right as the shuttle arrived.
No doubt he was thinking that was quick service.

He was heading to Haiti on a church trip to help provide clean water supplies for the Haitian people.
We were headed to a never-ending buffet while we sang "Welcome to Miami" over and over.

He tipped several dollars.

We tipped one.
Because we waited an hour.

And if mission trip boy hadn't tipped, I wouldn't have even tipped the dollar.
Did I mention they forgot to pick us up?

Final result: Boy going on missions trip was generous, 2 women going on a cruise were not.

We spent the night at a hotel that would have been frightening had we been staying alone, and took the shuttle to the cruise port the next morning.

Being the prudent travelers that we were, neither of us was traveling with passports. But that's okay! All you need is your original birth certificate and government ID.
Enter Heather:

First, she had the nerve to have been born in Germany. Secondly, the document that she did have to prove that she is an American born abroad did not have a raised seal on it.
So we stand nervously at the check-in desk as the lady helping us told us she would "Be right back, I need to get clearance for this."

Tick-tock. Ten minutes pass.
We start to make alternate plans to stay as hobos on South Beach.

Lady returns, and says she convinced the powers that be to allow Heather to enter the ship.

You really can't take that girl anywhere. She causes trouble.

We embarked! Hooray!

Picture opportunity:

It was lunchtime, so we made our way to a restaurant for a nice meal. Then we changed into our swimsuits and headed to the deck to lounge for a bit.
But on the way we passed a buffet, and the fresh fruit looked too tempting.
So we stopped and ate again.

Then we headed to the deck.
But on the way, we passed an ice cream machine.

You get the point.

We found a couple of chairs at the very front of the ship and got comfy with some magazines and a newspaper.
And sun.
Warm, glorious sun.
It was so warm and glorious that we didn't really pay any attention to all of the announcements about the mandatory muster drill.
I've cruised twice before, and I must say that the mandatory muster drill is the only part of a cruise that is not pleasant. You don life-jackets and pack into a small area like so many stinky sardines. People have already been drinking and they follow directions poorly. It takes too long. It's a bummer. I figure if the ship is really going down, I'll manage to find a life boat just fine.

So Heather convinced me to stay where we were until they came and forced us to join the ranks.
They never did.

Bad girls, bad girls. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

We skipped the muster drill.
And lived to tell about it.

Consequently, we were still in the best seats in the house for our departure from the port, perusing the paper.

Could we have picked a better time to be in Miami than this past weekend?

And can I also say that we were totally blessed to have made it to Miami?

Amen and Hallelujah.

When the sun began to dip, we did a little more exploring before Dinner, Part One.
We found all of the important parts of the ship.

Like the Pulperbooster Pump Room.

And a nice little area with a foosball table.

There was no one in it, except one ship employee.
We went in and thought we would play a game.

He kicked us out.

As luck would have it, we had found the teen zone.
And apparently we no longer look like teenagers.

Um, hello?
Had they not heard that we were the rebels who skipped the muster drill?
Doth not our reputation for living on the edge proceed us?

Nevertheless we were denied entry. So we fed our sorrow with the outdoor sail-away barbecue.

It was better than foosball anyway.

That brings us to the conclusion of CruiseReview 2011, part one.
Coming up in the next episode: Two Women in Flip-Flops walk way too far, and pay for it the rest of their cruise. And beyond.

Checking In

I am simply checking in here to say that I know I have been a blogging failure this week.
But people.
I am preparing for a momentous occasion.

Once, when Alex was a year old, I spent 2 nights away from her.
To be specific, we were a 6 hour car ride away.

Then, when Alex was 5 and Derek was almost 3, I spent one night away from the both of them.
To be specific, we were a 3 hour car ride away.

This afternoon I will leave both of my children for FOUR nights. IN  A ROW.
And I will not be a car ride away from them.
As a matter of fact, if I had a sudden and urgent need to get to them, like for a hug or to sniff their necks, I would have a really long swim ahead of me.

I wont even be in phone contact for goodness sakes!

And so I've been preparing this week.

Doing important things like perusing the dinner menus on the cruise ship, and obsessively checking the weather to make sure my friend and I will be able to fly to Miami.

Oh, and leaving Josh a note and schedule so detailed that he might need to consult it before taking a bathroom break.
But at least he would know the correct dose of medicine should any child come down with illness, from the common cold to dengue fever.
He will also know:
the school bus schedule
that Alex has a birthday party on Saturday
Dance is at 9:45
Ideas for dinners
Ideas for lunches
Where all of Derek's epi-pens are
That under no circumstance should he allow Alex's first loose tooth to fall out while I'm away
How to turn on the dishwasher
That Alex has to wear a red or pink shirt with jeans to the song performance at the PTA meeting
That he must record said performance for me
That he should bring Derek's hand-held game with headphones so that he can record said performance
That there is a casserole in the fridge just because I love him
That Derek has the softest skin on his little bottom and it needs to be patted from time to time
And on and on.


Today I will finish up the laundry, run the dishwasher, and give the toilets one last swipe with a Clorox wipe. Then I will post a note on the front door saying that guests can enter at their own risk.
My husband is excellent at caring for his children.
He plays with them and cleans their ears in the bath.

Cleaning up around the house is not really where he excels.

But he can do this:

And that's pretty cool.

I'm sure he will do a great job.
I'm sure they will eat an occasional vegetable.
I'm sure I will miss them.

Well, I'm mostly sure.