This & that. PG-13 edition

1) Alex has been on spring break, and I don't particularly look forward to it ending.
About 90% of this has to do with me not wanting to wake up at 6:45am.
The other 10% has to do with me not wanting to pack her a lunch every day.

Lazy much?

2) Oh, and I kind of like having her around. She has a sweet little bottom, and she needs me to pat it for her every now and then.

3) My husband is a nerd.
I am not joking when I tell you that I found this on the table the other day:

It's just some trigonometry.
That he was actually using. As in, using in the real world and not for school.
Who is this man I married?
And what is he doing with me?

I can assure you that I am no mathlete.

4) I've been keeping a secret from you all.

5) Those of you who just read that and wondered if I am pregnant-- slap yourselves on the hand. Have I not made it abundantly clear? My uterus is retired.

6) My secret is that we're going to Disney World.

7) Yes. Again.

8) I admit it, we are total Disney geeks. But I have a long list of rationalizations for this trip.
Want to hear them? Okay!

• Josh is leaving later this year for 6 months
• I will pretend that a week of making memories together in Disney will make up for this
• It will not
• I like funnel cake
• And the fact that my daughter thinks she is twirling with the real Snow White
• She wont believe that much longer
• We are surprising the kids-- we hope to keep them in the dark until we arrive
• We will be there over Alex's birthday
• So I don't have to throw her a party
• We live within driving distance of Disney
• That wont always be the case
• We got a free dining promotion
• We like to eat
• Did I mention funnel cake?

9) I haven't gotten my husband anything for his birthday. We are very lame in the gift-giving department.
That means I'm pretty much obligated to bestow some sort of sexual favor on him in hopes of making up for it.

10) I'm pretty sure that if he reads this tonight, he will start asking the same question as my blog title.

The Wiener

In this episode of Hoarders: Plastic Bag Edition, I reveal the winner of the Count My Bags giveaway.

I would like to thank all of you who participated, as well as those who tried to make me feel like less of a strange person by guessing a number that a "normal" plastic bag hoarder might have.
What you have failed to realize, my friends, is that nothing I do is exactly normal.

So for those of you who picked numbers in the 30's, 40's, 50's, and basically anything less than 100, I say thank you.
And, you lose.

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER goes to: Lisa Hazeltine!
She guessed that I had 171 plastic bags.

The actual number of plastic bags was (and is) 199. Yikes. That's a lot of plastic bags.
I think I should have mentioned that it is a very deep cupboard.

This count does not include the large stash that I have in the back of my van, waiting for me to recycle them at The Walmarts. You see, that's the only place I know of that will take my plastic bags, yet since I now live in a town with a Target, I just don't go there very often.
And when I do go there, I forget to take in my bags.
I want to take them in more manageable bunches. You know, so no one thinks I'm weird.

After re-reading this post, I fear I am not succeeding in the not-coming-across-weird business.

So I'm just going to go now.
Congrats Lisa! Would you like the yellow or pink wellness bag?
Tell me fast, because I'm going to the post office tomorrow and if I don't get your bag sent off then, I will put it in my van to remember to take another time, and it will probably live there forever.
Fair warning.

Good Morning, Monday.

Hope you all had a lovely Easter!
This week is spring break for Alex, so in theory we'll be sleeping in and lounging around.

In reality, the boy started our week with a 7am wake-up.


To make matters worse, the two zits that made their appearance on my face yesterday did not magically disappear while I was sleeping. I think maybe I'll just stay in hiding until my skin remembers that I am not actually 14 years old.

If you come by the house and I have a couple of spots of toothpaste on my face, just pretend you don't notice. I stopped buying clearasil a long time ago, and I heard that toothpaste will do the trick.

Pat the Bunny made it back home, so now I have to detox the children from constant entertainment.
After 20 minutes of experience, I can tell you it's not going to be an easy task.
It doesn't help that they each collected their body weight in Easter candy yesterday.
I'm getting so tired of saying no to their requests to eat candy that I'm considering just letting them have it all at once and be done with it.
Who thinks that would be a bad idea?


It's time for a final Bananagrams update!

Do you notice those two piles of letter tiles?

Instead of a scoresheet picture, I thought this would more accurately portray my dominance.
The pile on the left represents the games that I won, and the pile on the right show's PtB's victories.

Enough said.
Yes, Pat the Bunny, I can hear you from here. But it's my blog, and if I don't want to report the way you won cribbage then I don't have to! Get your own blog.


Tomorrow I will announce the winner of the Count my bags giveaway, so if you haven't taken a guess yet, now's your chance.

Now let's play: What's wrong with this picture?, Easter Morning Edition.

1) My children rarely wear pants.
2) I didn't remember until late on Saturday night that Derek's Easter basket did not survive our last move, so we had to improvise with an Easter bucket.
3) The person taking this photo was developing two unsightly facial blemishes and didn't even realize it.

Happy Monday.

Count my bags: A Giveaway

Pat the Bunny update--
While I'm still kicking her backside in bananagrams, PtB has a decided lead in our cribbage war.
She likes to rub it in, too.
She's mean like that.

So I'll  be mean, too, and share this little photo:

That PtB, she just brings out the worst in me.

I'm letting her stay until Saturday, but only because she's been getting up with the kids in the mornings.
(And because that's when her plane is leaving.)

She's been up to all of her old bunny tricks this week.
My children are rotten and there's an APB out on the paper towel.

She also makes me play so many games that I don't have time to blog.
But never fear! Soon after she leaves, my dear husband will be leaving me for a couple of weeks. I will have nothing to do but bore you all with the mundane details of my life.
Wait for it.

I do believe I promised you a giveaway-- here we go!

My friend Jennifer has offered one of her wellness bags to give to one of you. These are heat and cold therapy products made with rice and aromatherapy herbs to have on hand for aches & pains.
They come in cute, washable fabrics, and you can choose your own herbs.

Hey Mom! Pay attention-- there's an herb that helps with menopause symptoms!

(And that, dear mother, is what I call payback. I love my grandparents and all, but did you have to give them my cell number? I can't escape!)

I have a wellness bag with a particular herb that is supposed to remove pain from your neck. And yet, PtB is still here.

Ha! Haha. It's a joke. Get it? Pain in the neck?
(I can only write this now, because I password protect my computer so she wont know what I've written until she returns home.
That way she can't kill me in my sleep.
I'm smart like that.)

Since the giveaway is for a wellness bag, to be entered to win, leave a comment on this post with a guess as to how many plastic bags are in this cupboard.

The closest guess wins!
And do you know who loses? Me. Because I have to count them.

Winner chooses between these two fabrics.

The herbs inside are lavender and lemon grass, known to relieve headaches, muscle aches, & pains.
Small print: Cannot remove the mother-in-law.

 Comment with your guess...the giveaway will end when I get around to it. ;)


Sponsored by the Socks Without Partners support group. Gaining new members with every load.

And, of course, Jennifer! Thanks, Jen! You can check out the complete list of herbs and see more fabrics at her Facebook page here.  These would make nice gifts for Mother's Day.

Quick Update

I am a lean, mean, gyro making machine. (minus the lean part)
We served many a gyro yesterday at the air show.
Today when I got dressed I started to put on the same bra that I wore yesterday and had to stop when I realized that it reeked of tzatziki sauce and onions.

So I washed it.

Good story, no?


Pat the Bunny is here. She currently has the upper hand in the cribbage tournament, so I choose only to report on Bananagrams.

Score update: Erin- a lot, PtB- not a lot

The weather is gorgeous. Beautimus. Fantastical.
If it stayed like this year round, I would live here forever. Or until the Air Force told me I couldn't anymore.
Tonight we took some pizza to the park and enjoyed it.


I've been slacking on the photo-front as of late. Here are some pictures of Thing 1 and Thing 2.

 
(This is what happened when I suggested they give each other a kiss)

Now I am being summoned to play dominoes.

To make up for my short and boring post, next time I post I will be having a giveaway.
So y'all come back now, ya hear?

Saturday List

I have to sneak in a quick post before I start kicking PtB's butt in cribbage, so I'm going list-style.

1) Tomorrow I get to don a hairnet and work a gyro booth at the Air Show.

It may be a little late for this question, but does anyone know how to make a gyro?
Maybe there will be a tutorial.

The Thunderbirds will be flying.
Yesterday, I took the kids to watch them practice. Since the base was not open to the public yet, we got to sit front and center with no crowds. The kids were impressed for about 10 minutes, before it became "too loud" and "too long."

Children can suck the fun out of anything.

They will be staying home with Pat the Bunny while Josh and I work the show tomorrow. 


2) My grandparents have just come to the realization that there exists low-cost long distance phone plans.

Hey Mom, thanks for giving them my cell phone number.

I have had this conversation 3 times in the last week:

"Erin, this is your grandfather. We got this new thing, you may have heard of it. I think it's called Sprint. And we can call all sorts of people with it. Last month, I called some friends all the way in Washington state, and some other friends in Tennessee. And it doesn't matter how much I call, the bill is always real low."

They are now enjoying everything the 1990's had to offer.

Then my grandpa asked me for my sister's phone number and my father's phone number.
Naturally, I happily handed them out.

You're welcome!

3) Josh had dental surgery last week. He still had a baby tooth that managed to hang on for 30 years. Impressive, no?
It had to be removed, and a titanium screw was drilled into his bone in preparation for an implant. They gave him some awesome medication that rendered him funny and forgetful.
For a couple of hours after I got him home, we repeated the same exact conversation at least a dozen times. It was a lot like my phone exchanges with my grandpa.
Then he convinced me that he was feeling back to normal, and he made a phone call to the gas company. He had the worst case of hiccups and was slurring his words the whole time.
Later he had no recollection of having had the conversation at all.

On the upside, he got to stay home for two days, which made it totally worth it (for me).

4) Pat the Bunny arrived just in time for some crazy tornado weather. The last time she was supposed to come for a visit, we had a blizzard.

Coincidence?

Probably.


Signing off,
Cribbage Master

Hodgeity-Podgeity

It's that time again-- Wednesday Hodgepodge Time!

To play along, go visit Joyce, answer her questions, and link up.

1. Would you rather talk to everyone at a crowded party for a short time or have a significant conversation with two people?

It depends. Am I having a fat day? Then the less people I see, the better. 

If I just recovered from the stomach flu and I'm down 5 lbs & looking good, then I want to see everybody. 

How's that for superficial?

2. What objects do you remember from your parent's living room?

An old brown corduroy couch upon which I made out with boys.

Lessons learned: I will not go to bed while my daughter has her boyfriend over. Alternate lesson: My daughter is not allowed to have a boyfriend.

3. Do you hog the bed? Steal the covers? Snore?

I do none of the above, although from time to time I am a victim of those things. 

I suppose I do snore if I have a cold, but I figure I make up for that with my domestic prowess in the kitchen.

(That's a joke.)

4. Speaking of Easter dinner....what is your favorite way to cook/eat lamb? Or does just the thought of that make you squeamish? If you're not cooking lamb what will be your entree du jour on Easter Sunday?

Wait, you can cook a lamb? Doesn't their cute little fluffy white wool get stuck in your teeth?

Does anyone know if Papa John's is open on Easter? (It's a special occasion, or else we'd have the usual Hot-N-Ready from Lil' C's.)

5. Let's throw some politics into this week's mix-oooohhh...Do you know the whereabouts of your birth certificate and when was the last time you had to produce it to prove you're you?

Well if you happened to be a millionaire with a terrible comb-over and wanted to know the location of my birth certificate, I would direct you to my accordion file in the closet.  I had to take it with me for the cruise in February, as I do not own a passport. 

But mostly people know I'm me because of my witty charm and muffin top. 

6. As a child, how did people describe you?

Until I was 3, they described me as "him" since I was a late bloomer in the hair department.  My mother didn't help the situation, because she was asked so often what her son's name was, she stopped correcting them and just said "Aaron."

This is probably the reason that I was a tomboy for most of my childhood-- climbing trees, digging for worms, etc.

7. What do you complain about the most?

Me, complain?

Well, recently I have complained quite a bit about being a homeowner in a state I don't live in. Because it kind of stinks. 

But generally speaking, my life is great and I have nothing of note about which to complain.

8. Insert your own random thought here.

Speaking of houses in states I don't live in... We have new renters! This is happy news as it means that we don't have to make both mortgage and rental payments. Because that's totally overrated.

Thanks for reading! This Wednesday Hodegpodge was brought to you by children who hate their parents:
Jenyphr, Jeweleigh, Maddyssyn, and Kalob.

In which I ought to buy a new carpet for Circle Time, but don't.

Alternate Title: The Gingerbread House Story.

I'm gastronomically prepared to tell you this story now.

I think.

It is set during the last week of school before Christmas, around 3:45pm.
Key Background Information:

Typically, hand washing is the first thing I send Alex off to do the second she walks in the door.
Recently, it's come to my attention that it is necessary to specifically insist that she needs to use not only soap, but water as well.
Who knew?


On this fateful day, there was a lot of commotion at Alex's arrival home. Josh was home (a Christmas miracle!), Derek was just getting up from his nap, and somehow I neglected to instruct Alex to go wash her hands.

She came in the door carrying a gingerbread house on a plate, and was very excited to taste some of the goodness.
My sweet tooth was in full effect, and I proceeded to violate a statute of my own on which I typically hold firm: never eat anything a child has made.

Ever.

But you see, there were some yummy chocolates stuck inside icing.
And I love chocolate.
And icing.

So we all started digging in.
Me, Alex, and Josh.
Derek was spared since he is allergic to the world and who knows what manner of death was stuck to that gingerbread house for my little walking hive.

Josh ate the walls. Graham crackers covered with icing.

I chose the peanut M&M's (see? Death for Derek).

Alex preferred the Mike&Ike's.

Then I declared that it was time to take a break from the gingerbread house consumption, as I planned to serve the rest of it as the vegetable to go with dinner. I asked Alex to bring me her school folder and we snuggled up on the couch together to look at the millions of pieces of paper that she brings home everyday and insists that we keep.

I can't tell you how many times she's caught me having thrown some away, and looked at me with those pitiful eyes. "Mommy, I worked really hard on that and you just threw it in the trash."

Mother of the Year.


So there we were on the couch, and I kept getting a sniff of something unpleasant.
I sniffed around and could not figure out what it was.
I sniffed some more.
I was like a hunting dog.
I sniffed and sniffed, until I realized that the smell was coming from my daughters fingernails.

Oh, the horror that followed.

Me: Alex, your fingers smell gross. What is that smell? 
Is that poop?!?!
Do I smell poop on your fingers?!?

Alex: Well, during quiet time I thought I had to go poop. But we're not allowed to go to the bathroom at quiet time, so I put my hands in my undies to feel if I had any poop. Then I smelled my fingers to see if there was poop on them.

Me: *Dying a thousand deaths of horrified wretchedness.*

Me: And did your fingers smell like poop? (as if I did not already know the answer to that one)

Alex: Yes.

Me: So what did you do? Did you ask to go to the bathroom and wash them?

 Alex: Well we're not allowed to talk or go to the bathroom during quiet time, so I just wiped my fingers on the circle time carpet.


I have no words.




Really. No words.

And because I feared that I could not stomach the answer, I chose not to ask the question that still burns in my mind.

Did she make the gingerbread house before or after quiet time?


I have to go now. I think it was too soon to talk about this.
Must purge. 


Also, I'm thinking of investing in some sort of haz-mat shower for the doorstep to decontaminate her each time she comes home from school. Because if that is what my daughter did, what other horrible things have happened in that classroom?

The End.

Let's discuss the weather.

I've logged in to Blogger several times in the last couple of days, intending to post something, anything, to keep this blog from getting any lamer.
I know it's getting really bad when I post nothing but one Wednesday Hodgepodge after another.

In an effort to keep that from happening, let's talk about...
hmmm...

Shall we talk about the weather?
Oh, lets!
The weather here has been having mood swings like crazy. It was really cold and wet last week. And today it was 85 degrees!

Last week-- sweaters and vests

This week-- snow hats and sundresses.

At the same time. Who knew?
She's just so stylish.
Is it just me or does Alex look at least 10 years old in that picture?

Quick! I need another picture where she looks like an almost-6-year-old.

That's better.
Except for the fact that she really is almost 6. Which is not acceptable at all.

Quick! Get me a picture of another spawn who isn't that old!

Yep, that little clown will do the trick. After all, he's still just a tiny infant.
Who rocks stripes on both the top and bottom.

Anywho. The kids played in the backyard after school today, and I sat on the deck and read. I love this time of year when it's perfectly comfortable outside. Soon we'll be sweating buckets on the short walk to the pool, and being in the water will be the only acceptable means to spending time outdoors.

But for now I'm happy to enjoy the blooming flowers and bushes, and the mostly pleasant temperatures.

And soon we will have some company to share it with us!
Yes, your favorite Bunny and mine is coming for a visit.

I'm getting the cribbage board ready and stocking up on paper towels. I would say that I'm brushing up on my Bananagrams, but the truth is that I don't need any practice.
I just need a more worthy foe. I wipe the floor with Pat the Bunny every time we play.

We also might be graced soon with a visit from Boppa Man (Josh's dad-- keep up people!).
He's not into board games, so I don't need to gloat.
I will say that he is the only person I know that could watch Law & Order 24-7 and never get sick of it.
Probably because he falls asleep halfway through every episode and wakes up in the next one.

No wonder he can never solve any of the crimes. He's working two different cases at the same time.

Nevertheless, I welcome any chance for the kids to see their grandparents. Not being close to family is one of the sacrifices of military life, and I want them to have close relationships with their grandparents.

Which brings me to some sad news...
My grandma passed away early on Saturday morning. This is the first grandparent that I've lost.
Truly she had been gone long before Saturday, as Alzheimers had slowly taken over her life. The family that loved and surrounded her were often like strangers in her mind, and at the end it was more merciful for her to pass on. Such a cruel disease. My thoughts are with my dad and the rest of the family in Michigan as they say goodbye.


Well, darn.

I can't end on that kind of a note, now can I?

Here, watch this.
It will bring back the happy.
It's Josh having a duel with a huge bee that hovers around our back deck.
Josh is armed with hornet spray and a fly swatter.
The bee has only its wits to save itself.

ps- the bee got away